Decisions/ choices/ consequences

30th July 2008 Three of us who had been in secondary school together met in Chichester today. Aged 63 going on 64 I had not met Jean since 1959. That's 49 years ago!

How little did I realise then that at the early age of fourteen the decisions that I made started me out on a path through life that is so different from the other girls in the convent school we attended.

When I left Holy Family School I was still a child yet I entered a convent to start training to be a nun. I still loved 'Wind in the Willows' at the same time as becoming very interested in Elvis Presley, Tommy Steel and Cliff Richard. I wanted to jive wearing a hoop through my petticote but when two of the nuns from the same Order that had taught me in Ireland, came on teaching practice in our school, I went away on a Vocation Day that they held in Henley on Thames and left home that August.

There are so many 'what if's' and too many consequences!

Andrea McLean

Tuesday 29th July

Why did I get so excited at recognising Andrea McLean the ITV weather reporter and presenter of 'Loose Women' when I saw in Army & Navy store in Guildford last Thursday? She is a lovely natural sort of young woman and I do like watching 'Loose Women' whenever I am in and ready to relax while having lunch at home on my own.

Having missed out so many years in chatting over ordinary womenly matters I am curious about the sort of things that women who were not in convents talk about. Although I find that some of the topics discussed might be considered frivolous much of what is aired seems quite intriguing... I am surprised too at how much the presenters reveal about their own families.However, I'm sure they are selective in this. Sometimes I find some of what they talk about embarrassing and I am glad that I am on my own and in my own home! I still blush and change the topic of conversation when this sort of thing occurs with friends. So watching 'Loose Women' is probably good for me. I would love to get on the programme too. Imagine them introducing me as an ex-nun!

Think good - feel good

Wed 23rd July On page 32 0f Rhonda Byrne's 'The Secret' Marci Shimoff protests that When you are feeling good, you must be thinking good thoughts and Lisa Nichols says: If you are feeling bad it is because you thinking thoughts that are making you feel bad.

So if I keep thinking that Paula will read my novel today I can convince myself that she will? Some how though the thoughts in my head will have to pop into her head!Could that happen? It would be super if I could send enticements winging over from here to Dublin. If that's all it takes my book should be calling out 'Pick me up and you'll enjoy reading me...you will...you will!

I know what I'll do.... I'll ask Niamh to place my ream of pages right to the top of Paula's to do pile and put a bright green piece of paper around them saying You'll enjoy this! Even easier .....if I ask Niamh if she thinks that were she to link my blogs to 'Dropping The Habit' information the sale of this book could be boosted. How about that?

Alienated

Monday 21 July My mother told me never to admit that I was feeling depressed. She said: "I remember well when your father and I had not long started going out together and I'd had a bad day at work, that night when he came to meet me and I told him I was feeling depressed. D'you know what he did? He cycled off and left me sitting there on the wall nursing my depression!"

There is only so much even good friends can take of my rattling on about how low I feel. What is the saying? Smile and the world smiles with you. Cry and you cry alone. My friends were very good to take me out to Zizzi's for a meal tonight but I must remember that each of them has their own worries.

On my down days I bemoan the fact that I have left community life for living on my own and have exchanged a life of aiming at perfection for a very different and varied life style. However, I can't expect members of my own family to walk in my shoes and appreciate why I still find it difficult to adapt to life in Civvie Street. But the truth is I belong to neither walks of life.

Lonely Sundays

Sunday 20th July:

Last night I had a whale of a time with my Scottish friends as we danced the night away! The venue was excellent, the food appetising, the live music brilliant and the welcoming, heartfelt and genuine. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. But today....

In spite of everything I am still drawn towards church on Sundays but then when I listen to media reports that the Pope, now in Australia, is saying sorry for sexual abuse inflicted on innocent victims, I feel so angry. Does he think that saying sorry will suffice to solve this problem?

April this year, when I travelled back to Sicily, where I was sexually harrassed by a priest in 2000, I discovered that this priest is now working with young people who are drug abusing!So much for SAYING SORRY!

Next venture?

Friday 18th July Health concerns have taken over lately. Having to have a big filling in my back tooth and going to the Doctor today are sapping some of my energy. At times like this I sleep whenever I feel tired but then find myself wide awake at 2am! A few night a go, when I finished reading Nigel Slater's 'Toast' I began to feel jealous that I had not thought of the idea of cleverly weaving a biography around food! That started me thinking that I could do something similar so I grabbed paper and pen and began exploring ideas around the reading material that I had available to me as a child in Ireland and then in the convent and now that the flood gates have opened up.

I filled the four remaing pages of my notebook before I dropped off.

Polish

Tues 15th July: Good news from my publisher today to say that my book will most likely be translated into Polish! There is a large Catholic population our there and I know at least one nun who left before I did so there are probably are many others who may be helped in knowing that we can survive after spending many years in convent life. Perhaps some could be helped my using writing as a therapy.

My novel - 'Dream on'

Mon 14th July 2008

It's almost a month since I sent my novel entitled 'Dream On' to my publishers Poolbeg. I'd love to hear from them but I realise that I have to be patient. I am probably an insignificant partaker in their big business. I'm aware that every day many authors hope that their book will be the next best seller. As this is my first novel, of course, I hope that I have been successful. Were this to happen there probably would be renewed interest in my autobiography too. So it would be a double whammy!

I can picture the Offices in Poolbeg being piled high with entries posted by other anxious authors like me. I just wish I could pop over to Dublin quickly and put my manuscript to the top of the pile, hand Paula a freshly brewed coffee and an irresistible cake and entice her to grab my effort, push back her reclining comfy chair and be enticed into my gripping story!

At the moment I am dipping into 'The Secret' by Rhonda Byrne in which several of the contributing authors ascertain that were we to think positively things would happen for us. So here goes: Paula will pick up my novel today and want to publish it ASAP! How's that?

Talks

Sunday 13th july: It was so good to be thanked yet again by a member of Frimley Green Library Reading Group for the talk I gave about my book. Writing is such a lonely exercise but it all seems worthwhile when when I receive recognition and praise. I could walk around those celebrating the Carnival cherishing the thought that I have achieved something that I can be proud of in spite of the fact that I felt lonely after my friend Margaret went home.

Religious beliefs? My brother died

11th July: My brother Tim would have been 62 had he not died four years ago. I wish he had lived to read my account of our family as scripted in my book, 'Dropping The Habit@. However I am pleased that he is no longer suffering pain and bewilderment about this life. Where is he now? Wouldn't be so comforting to believe that he is looking down from Heaven? Way down deep inside me I hope this to be true. But how do we know what happens after we die. In spite of the promises of some no one has yet come back to let us know. So is this IT? Dante Alleghieri did not think so did he?

The children's' story about the water bugs comforts me when I am sadden at death:

Some water bugs became anxious when they noticed that they all reach a stage when they feel urged to thrust themselves up above the water level - so one of them promises those remaining below the water level that after he/she has flown up into the air above he/she will return to inform them what has happened. However, having sprouted wings he/she cannot re-enter the water! Instead he/she wings around in the air experiencing greater freedom and happiness than ever before.

Does somethng similar happen to us?!

The Tablet - Catholic paper

My second blog: I have just phoned 'The Tablet' THE Catholic paper to ask yet again why my book 'Dropping The Habit' has not yet been reviewed by their editorial team. Although they requested a copy several months ago they have declined to feature it in their paper. Considering the book sold over 3000 copies and was reviewed by all the leading newspapers and magazines in Ireland within two weeks of it's publications, I'm left wondering why the PA who answered my call stated that they would not be reviewing it. Maybe, though I should not be surprised because of the fact that I have discussed issues to do with sex and unfaithfulness perhaps prohibits them from taking on board my views and opinions?! Pity that, since having spent 32 years of my life as a nun, my experiences could possibly provide some insights. Who knows? Is is not sad to think though, that this paper is not reflecting the views of people like me.

Una vita nuova!

5pm on Wednesday 9th July 2008 and I have created my very first blog! Great... It is over a year since I my autobiography was published by Poolbeg and I have recently submitted a novel entitled 'Dream On' to them. I wrote my autobiography in order to help me cope with leaving the convent after 32 years. I left home aged 14. If you would like to know more about this autobiography you could 'Google' my name and thanks to being on radio4 'Saturday Live' all the details can be accessed there.